1. Avoid carrot sticks.
Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can.
And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up!
that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to
into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it.
Have one for
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it.
That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on.
Make a volcano out of
mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes...
Always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
them and don't budge.
Have as many as you can before becoming the center
of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them
behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies.
Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake?
Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
10. One final tip:
If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread all
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly
up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
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