Going from hospital to hospital gives you cause for a lot of thinking. There is so much going on in your mind. It hasn't stopped thinking or working for you are continually checking every breath you take not knowing where the next one will be or take place. You are put in such a tenable experience you feel like a zombie just whipped around with no place to go but except where the master wants it to take place.
Who is the master? The caretaker who ever he or she may be. They will determine your fate for that day or that hour.
What is really going on in your mind? How can you describe it? It is a feeling in the pit of your stomach. Are you there? Is that really you? You ask yourself is it odd to ask these questions? But it isn't odd at all. You seem to be a part of another world, another self. There is no possibility to describe who you are at this point.
That is the strange thing about all of these happenings. You don't know where it is going to go no matter what you are thinking. Somehow you have lost control. They tell you take hold, straighten out. How can you do that when you don't have control of your entire being? You can't make your legs do what you want them to do. They shake, they won't hold still. What is going on in this process? This is the worrisome part of it all.
Then the main factor came in all of them. They move like leaves. The leaves wave in the wind as the new doctor tells the team what they should be looking for. Of course no one is going to tell you what bad shape you are in. Nor are they going to tell you what your longevity is going to be.
You're thinking all the time what is happening. You can't believe this is just what you are thinking. What is this up and down syndrome? Your life under the Damocles sword. You are cited with the fable reminding you consistently of that sword.
Now the gallows come up. How badly do you what to live? How much pain do you want to endure? They say in football it is those athletes that can suffer the most who becomes the star of the game. So it is in the game of life. How much pain can you endure?
It doesn't sound reasonable to look at it that way but I know of no other way to analyze it. That is the inexplicable way that the mind and body react to all of these boggling moments. I wish it was because they have no strength in them. What a terrible thing to find out but I wish it was otherwise. Since it is really true I can't tell you otherwise. I'm just trying to be as true to form as I can so that you get some feeling of some strength.
Know that you have all this information what are you going to do with it. That is the question. What it will point out everything that has been going on in my mind. If it is repetitive so what. What is happening internally that is what I have to decide. How am I in the miss of all of this? How am I going to handle this is the question?
And the nurses and the doctors come in one by one everyone wants a piece of you. They all want to hear your heart. So after 4 or 5 have finished their piece of action the work is turned over to the nurses. No one will tell you what is going on but there is activity behind the scenes. They are changing the pillow and changing the sheets.
What is the worst part of all of this? Everything moves so slow. It takes so much effort just to do one small thing like go to the laboratory. It certainly reminds you where you are. So you can't fool yourself.
I always said I'm a good sitter I think that says it all. I don't know what else to make sense.
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